Beautiful hair

One day till week end

2006-06-08T08:14:00.001-07:00

Voila,
I've not been terrific these days with the hair. My non-disciplined way of life these days hasn't helped me focus on the therapy. I'm saying this because I really think you have to follow the rules to be able to do this correctly. Shit I'm writing in English now.. I'm at work, that's why. Sorry babe.
Today I'm quite happy, I've taken out two or three hair. I washed my hair this morning cause my head was scratching all over and felt coarse hair when I touched them. So yes, I'm happy today...about the hair at least.
I'll try to do as well at home. Well it's not at home that I pull out anyway, but still, must be vigilant.
Each day is a fight, they say. So should it be.
Cheers.

2006-06-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

Après le beau temps, la tempête ...

2006-06-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

Et oui, après avoir profité d'une tête (de cheveux) d'une personne normale, me voilà en rechute. Sans trous elle était, nul besoin de couvrir, de camoufler quoique ce soit.. le bonheur.

Que s'est-il donc passé?
Depuis 3 mois je suis en stage, et j'adore. C'est très gratifiant et on apprécie mon travail, que demander de plus? Je le voulais, et c'est fait. Le prix à payer? Le stress de vouloir bien faire, des cheveux arrachés pendant cela. Ca va, j'ai encore beaucoup de cheveux sur la tête, mais des trous commencent à être apparents. J'ai commencé il y a environ deux mois. Petit à petit, ça s'est accentué. Au début j'ai retrouvé le plaisir de les arracher ces bouts de fil noirs bizarres. Je me suis dit que je n'en ferai qu'un peu, après stop. Même en étant consciente j'ai cependant continué. Il est temps de réagir maintenant.

Je ne voulais plus réécrire, en me souvenant de tous les efforts que la fois passé avait suscités. Je ne voulais plus (avant aujoud'hui) me battre à nouveau. Le sentiment que le victoire que je croyais acquise n'était en fait qu'éphémère me déprime. Et pourtant, il faut agir. Prendre le courage et tout recommencer. Thérapie 5 semaines, et tout ce qui va avec. Vigilance.

Bon allez motivée la eh oh :) Nan mais!
Vla, ben à très bientôt du coup.

Deux gros mois après...

2006-01-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

Ceci ne sera surement pas lu des rares personnes qui me lisaient encore, car ils se seront surement dits que ça y est, c'est la fin de miss bloggeuse-ttm. Je le croyais moi aussi, mais je viens donner des nouvelles :)
Elles sont bonnes. J'ai plein de cheveux sur le crâne! J'ai toujours des cheveux de longueur inégale sur le haut, mais sinon j'arrive bien à me coiffer avec les cheveux devant, ca fait plaisir! Je n'ai pas beaucoup arraché depuis environs 1 mois, et la repousse je la dois à ca. Sinon avant ca, je recommençais à tripotter pas mal :( Mais whatever! Ca a repoussé!
Je ne suis pas allée voir le site de Mireille sur la TTM depuis un moment, j'ai peur d'ouvrir ma boite aux lettres site-de-mireille et avoir les 14mille messages non lus. Je vais le faire tiens.
Bon voila pour les news, je repasserai de temps en temps quand meme.
^_^

Ca va ou ça va pas ?

2005-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

En tout cas ça fait 11 jours que je n'ai pas écrit. Parce que je n'avais rien de spécial à raconter. Les cheveux sont allés très bien. Maybe 3 ou 4 cheveux arrachés (arrachage complètement contrôlé) pendant ces 11 jours. Parcontre depuis tout à l'heure, j'arrête pas de toucher mes cheveux. Je joue avec, sans l'intention d'arracher, mais le truc c'est qu'à force de jouer avec (les tourner autour des doigts..) je les affaibli et ils tomberont seuls un peu plus tard, après un coup de peigne ou au lavage.

En tout cas une chose est claire: c'est dû aux moments de "tention". Je l'ai fait quand j'étais en train de lire des offres de stage. Je sais que je dois le faire mais je n'ai pas le courage d'écrire de lettre de motivation pour le moment. On a essayé de chercher pourquoi avec mon copain. On a dit que c'était peut-être par crainte d'échouer aux entretiens.. L'indéniable fait que je ne suis pas sûre de moi (encore moins peut-être depuis les récents évennements concernant l'appréciation de mes profs pour mon dernier stage ou même pour mon travail à l'école..). Bref, ce n'est pas seulement un problème de cheveux ces temps-ci. Je pense qu'il faut dabord voir où ça cloche vraiment.

J'ai fait un test sur www.psychologies.com hier, avec un résultat plus qu'effrayant sur ma personalité! A priori je ne m'aimerais pas du tout :s Il ya plusieurs choses de pas tout à fait faux dans le reste de l'analyse (d'habitude je fais ce genre de truc pour rigoler, en me moquant des résultats mais là j'avoue que c'était plutôt le coup de massue). Il paraitrait que je pense que mes rêves ne se réaliseront jamais, que je me dévalorise tout le temps etc. Je ne me rends pas tout le temps compte, je me souviens que ma mère m'a déjà mise en guarde d'être comme ça, mais ça m'a toujours mis en colère qu'elle me le dise. Bref, c'est dingue, je n'aurai certainement jamais de succès si je continue à être défaitiste...

Affaire à suivre. J'ai envie de dire: je commence par chercher des offres de stage, mais au final ça ne m'aura servi à rien, j'en ai bien peur, d'avoir écrit, parce que je me sens toujours aussi lasse qu'avant, pas motivée à faire ce que je "dois" faire. Là aussi je me demande si ce n'est pas le "dois" qui me pose problème, mais c'est bizarre de dire ça parce que l'autorité ne m'a jamais posé de problème.

Bonne nuit le monde.

Rentrée différée, ça pou-sse ça pou-sse..

2005-09-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Pas d'arrachage depuis quelque temps maintenant, je suis bien contente :) Je sens se combler mes trous, et comme dit, j'ai de la chance que j'ai une repousse rapide. Ca me gonfler à l'époque où j'avais 11-12-13 ans, où j'avais une coupe à la garçonne, et ça repoussait toujours trop vite. C'est surement les beaux cheveux de ma soeur qui me donnent aussi envie de les laisser pousser. Tous de la même taille, miam.

Parcontre faudra rester sur ses gardes, comme on a la rentrée différée, il est possible que tous les cours se concentrent d'autant plus autour des 3 mois qui vont suivre. Ensuite stage.. Avant ça, recherche de stage. Allez on tient bon !

Bisous

C'est la rentrée ...

2005-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Ca va très bien les cheveux, mais je sens qu'ils prennent une texture non-lisse plus vite qu'il y a quelques semaines. Peut être est-ce la poussière ou quelque chose. Quoi qu'il en soit, je devrais me laver les cheveux aujourd'hui. Vaut mieux faire ça qu'avoir tendence à les arracher. Au fait mon Frizz Eaze (serum que j'applique après le lavage) va toucher à sa fin bientôt. Il me faudra en racheter un ... 15 € le truc minuscule.. J'avais eu du bol pour le dernier, ils faisaient un discount de 7€ dessus si j'envoyais le coupon, ticket de caisse, RIB etc par la poste :)

Plus ça pousse, plus on a du courage et le moral, et le sentiment qu'on ne fait pas des efforts pour rien :) Là je suis quand même fière de moi de ne pas avoir eu recours à la TTM pour évacuer ma rage des derniers jours. A propos, je viens de voir RIZE au ciné. Impressionnant le "krump"!

Ah oui, j'ai ma réunion d'information de la rentrée aujourd'hui à 15h30. J'ai pas envie de voir certains profs pour qui j'éprouve rien de moins que du dégoût. Mais ça ira! :)

Ca va bien malgré ..

2005-09-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

Depuis le retour des vacances, ca va bien les cheveux. Un ou deux retirés par ci ou par là, mais rien de grave. C'est clair qu'il ne faut pas dramatiser pour ça, c'est pour ça que ça m'aggace quand mon copain me gronde quand il voit un cheveu arraché. J'ai constaté en plus que je n'ai même plus de trous! Ca fait plaisir, même s'il reste un long chemin à parcourir à mes petits cheveux de derrière.

Pourtant les choses auraient pu être catastrophique. En ce moment je traverse un moment difficile, je suis remplie d'un sentiment d'injustice (quelque chose d'ennuyeux ayant rapport avec la fac). J'ai même milité (auprès des profs) pourque justice soit faite, mais il semble que ce soit seulement moi qui voit cela de mon point de vue. "Tant pis," je me dis, "je sais ce que je mérite." Et vous savez quoi, c'est les petites choses comme ça je pense qui font de quelqu'un une personne plus forte, limite "sans scrupules" comme l'a dit un ami à moi.

En tout cas, vive les cheveux et les bulbes !

Retour de vacances

2005-09-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Tout s'est bien passé :) Même très bien ... Voici le petit récit que j'ai posté sur le groupe MSN TTM.

Je reviens de vacances où j'ai vu mes parents après 1an. J'avais fait une rechute 3 semaines avant de rentrer jusqu'au point de pas vouloir rentrer par peur de la réaction de ma mère par rapport à mes cheveux(mon père s'en fout un peu du moment que sa petite fille chérie est là:D).

C'était pas catastrophique mais j'avais envoyé qques photos à ma mère avec ma nouvelle coupe et pleins de cheveux et elle j'avais peur qu'elle ne me retrouve avec des trous et soit déçue. Bref, elle ne m'a rien dit pour les cheveux quand je l'ai vu et je croyais qu'elle réservait ses enguelades pour après (il faut dire qu'elle avait autre chose sur la tête aussi, le mariage de ma soeur étant en plein préparatif).

Le comble : elle m'a emmené chez sa coiffeuse pour une correction de mes pointes. Et je peux dire sans problème que c'est la première fois que je me suis réellement sentie humiliée et terriblement mal à cause de mes cheveux.

La coiffeuse a pris mes petits cheveux de derrière, en le soulevant avec ses doigts et en disant d'un air dégoûté, "C'est quoi ça???".Normalement j'ai pas de mal à parler de ma TTM mais là il s'agissait de la coiffeuse de ma mère, et je ne voulais pas lui en parler, surtout en la trouvant carrément pas pédagogue. C'était aussi une prétentieuse qui m'a dit qu'elle avait des clientes réputées dont des ministres etc.. (qu'est-ce que j'en avais rien à cirer!).

Ma mère était derrière attendant que sa coloration prenne, je la voyais dans le mirroir. Je m'en foutais de ce que pouvait dire la coiffeuse biensûr, et je ne cessais de regarder la réaction de ma mère pour voir si elle était en colère etc (euh ma mère est du genre "j'engueule quand il faut").

Et là! Contre toute attente, ma mère s'est mise à dire à la coiffeuse,"Vous savez, c'est le style en Europe, vous savez comment ils sont, à inventer toutes sortes de choses!" J'étais sur le cul! Et la coiffeuse n'était quand même pas conne à 100%, elle a fait à son collègue, "T'as vu, ils ont fait ça mais sans aucune technique, nous ici on travaille avectechnique!" Mort de rire! Elle a continué avec son délire pendant un moment, et après ma super-mum a changé de sujet subtilement en parlantde mode d'habits en europe :D

Je savais que ma mère avait fait ça pour me rendre moins mal à l'aise mais je craignais toujours ce qu'elle allait me dire quand on serait seules. Et ben en effet elle en a reparlé à table! Elle a fait en riant: "Et le coup des petits cheveux!!! Je me disais mon dieu maisquand va-t-elle nous lâcher!" Et on a tous rigolé sur ce qu'on lui a fait gobber à la coiffeuse :p

Voilà, je ne suis quand même pas mécontente de ma thérapie 5-semaines.En fait même si j'ai fait une rechute, c'était quand même moins de cheveux arrachés qu'avant. Et je pense que ma mère était surtout contente que j'aie des cheveux à l'avant et donc une vraie coupe etque je n'aie plus de trous! Juste des petits cheveux qui restent à pousser, mais je serai patiente!

Voilà ma petite (longue!) annecdote :) La devise de ma mère c'est "No pain, no gain!" Je pense que la situation l'a bien démontré! J'ai quand même été récompensée d'avoir fait des efforts pour mes cheveux. Et je le ressens comme une victoire d'avoir eu ma mère de mon côté parce qu'elle a senti que j'en voulais et que je méritais son soutien...

Bonne continuation et bisous à tous,Vivi :)

Nouveau départ, nouveau décor ..

2005-08-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

Cette dernière tentative d'arrêter de m'arracher les cheveux, bien qu'elle ne fut pas concrétisée, m'a appris pas mal de choses sur mon arrachage. Mon manque de volonté certain de cette dernière semaine a fait beaucoup de tort à ma tête. Les trous que j'avais réussis à combler après mes 4 semaines d'effort pendant la thérapie ont un peu réapparu. Même si ce n'est pas aussi catastrophique qu'avant.

Comme on me l'a fait constater, il faudrait surement que je me pose les bonnes questions. Les sentiments qui m'animent quand je m'en arrache, avant, après..

Qu'est-ce que j'aurais pu faire pour ne pas arracher?

Quand j'ai arraché ces derniers temps, on aurait vraiment pas dit que ça me dérangeait d'avoir des trous où on voit mon crâne. Aucune volonté. La motivation est très importante, ça c'est clair. Je pense aussi qu'il faudrait toujours avoir en tête à quoi j'ai pu ressembler avant, et le désir que j'ai de ne plus redevenir comme ça. Bon pour le court terme c'est un peu loupé, je vois ma famille dans 1 semaine, les trous ne se recombleront pas. Pour ça aussi il faudra que j'assume. Je savais ce que je faisais quand même!

Une chose que je faisais plus mais que j'ai refait depuis une semaine: je me touche les cheveux à la maison, alors que j'avais complètement arrêté (vraiment complètement).

Là il est 11.15am, je n'ai pas tiré un seul cheveu depuis hier, ça ne m'était pas arrivé depuis longtemps. Il faut dire que hier on a eu une longue discussion avec mon bibou, qui était tout triste que je rechute.. On a aussi vu (il a vu...) que j'étais stressée pour un rien à chaque fois et que ça favorisait immédiatement le touchage de cheveux.. Faut en effet que je sois moins crispée et tout.. Tout ça c'est le résultat de ma personalité j'suis sûre.. je ne l'adore pas.. je trouve qu'elle n'est pas assez forte.. Je ne m'impose pas assez, pas sûre de moi... un rien me trouble, un peu hyper-sensible peut-être. Fiou ça en fait des trucs à travailler :)

Je pense que travailler sur tout cela m'amènera à être mieux dans ma peau, et du coup me débarrasser de la ttm.. Donc c'est vraiment un tout à changer, et tout à y gagner aussi.

J'suis contente d'avoir réécrit, ça faisait longtemps. J'ai un certain goût pour le vert en ce moment, et j'ai écrit mon rapport de stage en cette police, Verdana, j'aime bien :)

Allez courage ! J'ai de la chance que j'ai suffisament de cheveux encore pour pas qu'on voit grand chose de mes trous. Récemment j'ai lu un post sur le forum ttm où il y a quelqu'un qui disait d'arrêter tant qu'il est encore temps en gros..

Back in business

2005-08-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Les deux fois que j'ai été presqu'au bout de la thérapie, j'ai rechuté..

Ca va pas ça! Nan mé oh!

Ban! Cette fois c'est la bonne. Promis maintenant. Pas de chi-chi pas de "oh mais c'étaient les cirsonstances". J'ai déjà dit que c'était PAS normal qu'on ait des trous dans la tête à moins qu'on ait une calvitie naturelle. Bon, à partir de ce moment:

Si j'arrache, j'en redonne une bonne raison! Compter chaque cheveu qui s'en va et analyser le sentiment. Réveille-toi là, il est grand temps..

Mireille, merci pour tes gentils mots et ta note de courage! Je promets de m'y donner à fond, encore une fois, et d'y arriver cette fois.

Je reprends les affaires en main ;)

....

2005-08-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

J'ai une triste nouvelle, ma grand-mère que j'aime et qui compte autant que mes parents pour moi, est morte tard vendredi soir. J'en parlerai surement après, mais c'est encore à chaud, et le fait de ne l'avoir pas vu, c'est.. je ne réalise pas tout pour l'instant, j'imagine que ça va venir. Mais j'ai pas pu m'empecher de retirer. Désolée, j'y étais presque, ce n'est pas une excuse, mais je n'ai pas pu me retenir...

A bientôt.

Thursday sunny Thursday ... lalala

2005-08-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

Il fait beau, tout va bien, je suis dans les temps niveau cadeaux, j'ai déjà envoyé les cartes de voeux qu'il fallait sans être en retard cette fois.. Juste le dernier petit truc: rapport de stage à finir à temps et bien surtout!

Il est 10.13am et je touche pas à mes cheveux, j'en ai pas envie, même s'il devient grand temps de les laver pour leur donner la texture que j'aime.

A un moment je les lavais pratiquement tous les jours, mais après qu'on m'ait dit que ça faisait du mal aux cheveux secs que j'ai, c'est plutot deux fois par semaine, voire une fois... Au fait, mon grand ami de tout les temps, le fer à défriser, est sensé ne pas faire grand bien aux cheveux non plus, mais je ne pourrais pas m'en passer. Je n'aime pas trop que les cheveux soient volumineux.

Cette dernière semaine je n'ai utilisé qu'un sèche-cheveux et essayé de me faire des petits brushings le matin , et ça marche pas mal, les cheveux retombent bien. Le tout pour moi, je pense vraiment qu'avoir des cheveux qui me plaisent m'aident à ne pas vouloir les arracher. Parceque je ne l'ai jamais dit, mais étant adolescente, j'étais toujours complexée (rahlala cet affreux sentiment) par mes cheveux, desquels je ne savais absolument pas en prendre soin. Je les laissais sécher au soleil, le sèche-cheveux étant déclaré comme objet pas-bien-quand-c'est-souvent.. Comme je regrète ne pas avoir su mieux les traiter et avoir été en froid avec mes cheveux.. Dailleurs tout a commencé quand un jour j'ai senti un cheveu bizarre entre mes doigts, dur et pas-droit, comme sur le dessin hehe.

Allez je continue ce rapport :)

Wednesday.. will write in French for a bit :)

2005-08-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

Voilà que mlle se met au français.. Et oui, maintenant que j'ai fini mon super programme qui buggait (à l'aide de mon piti chéribibi, je le précise), je dois faire mon rapport de stage en français lol. Et donc bon, autant en profiter pour écrire un peu la langue..

Bref, me voilou de nouveau joyeuse. Ces derniers jours c'était un peu la cata, je me suis souvent touché la tête, qques cheveux sont partis, mais je suis fière de moi parce que je n'ai pas eu de vraies crises. Donc maintenant je n'ai même plus aucune raison de mettre mes mains dans mes cheveux.

Dans un des précédents posts, j'avais parlé d'anticiper les évènements qui peuvent pousser à l'arrachage. Ben voilà,

situation de stresse, manque de temps = évènements déclencheurs

A ne pas oublier..

Je continue ma 5ème semaine, et mardi prochain normalement c'est la grande fête hehe. Je suis impatiente. Au rapport de stage maintenant, hop hop!

Mardi, toujours à court de temps

2005-08-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

I took out 2 hair yesterday. One when I didn't realise, and the other one when I was not feeling well, was stressed over some work I was doing and wasn't getting it right. I still haven't actually. So today will be like a challenge too.. There would be many reasons to pull out my hair if I didn't think that those reasons were just being excuses. Because you can never have a good-enough reason to do that..

Ha, I was supposed to finish my therapy today :) Next week it'll be then, since I've given myself one more week to finish it.

Lundi, post bon week-end

2005-08-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

NeSto thinks that the photos are too "zooming" to see an actual hole in my head. Maybe.. But then, they were hairless scalp, and euh, all the whitish spot should have contained hair.

Otherwise, I have decided to take one more week to finish my therapy. I should normally have finished tomorrow, but I think I'd like it more if I really made an effort to reach the end. Meaning this week, no pulling out. I'll try to record when and why if ever.

Busy week again this one, they're not going to stop! Hehe :)

Photos, photos ...

2005-08-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

My friend (yes, you've turned from internship colleague to friend :)) NeSto didn't really believe I actually had real holes some time back... I'm looking forward to his reaction when he sees these photos ;) Don't know why, it's not being that hard to publish these photos, maybe it's because I know I'm no longer like that.. and will never ever be again ;)

By the way, if one looks closer at the last photo, there's a part of the scalp that's a bit reddish (the downward right side). I remember that it hurt when I pressed or touched it a bit hard. It was surely due to the pulling-out, of course..

Dimanche

2005-08-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

Still early wake-up for me. And while the world is sleeping, I'm sneeking on the PC :D
Yesterday I pulled out 0-hair :D I'm happy, I think I might be pulling myself back together after all. What was needed, I think, is a refocussing.
I've been wanting to do it for some time now, so there we go... I have to say I'm being relatively courageous here to take the step, but I think it's a good idea. I'm talking about the photos of my holes not-so-long-ago.
Here we go ...

Allez, on se remotive, et on repart !

2005-08-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

5th-week programme. I'm supposed to be on the 5th day of my 5th-week. And I haven't discovered what it's all about yet.. I'm actually hesitating between taking another more week to correctly do that 5th-week and finishing it this week as planned. That'd mean postponing my celebration due this coming Tuesday, but if I don't deserve it, it'd be only justice-faite.

I'll ask darl when I see him.

Reading the programme:

Hmm, very wise, the 1st thought.. If I have a problem and I take it for an excuse to pull out (which apparently has been the case last week), after my hair is pulled out, I'll have two problems, one hair de moins :D

Hah, no. 4 : forecast the triggering events. That's good. I'll say something completely stupid, but it's like playing Dance Dance Revolution, I have learnt to anticipate the moves. Lol, how weird my head can get at 8am on a Saturday ;)

I'll make it a point to re-read my blog more often. Lack of time was no excuse, be it not reading, or not writing. I have neither read my "Why I want to stop" list nor updated it for like a decade. There's no miracle: what I want, I have to work for, want it more than anything.

I'll stop here for today.. and promise to come back more regularly. A note to Cécile, who has left a nice comment on my blog and started her own: Bonne chance à toi, et plein de courage! On peut le faire, et on y arrivera ;)

And a last note of thanks to Mireille, for her unflinching support and generosity. Merci ^_^

Dernière phrase ...

2005-08-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

Oh by the way, I like the last sentence of the 4th-week therapy:

Des petits écarts ne sont pas des rechutes mais elles vous rappellent que vous devez vous concentrer sur votre but.

I don't know if I'm allowed to take the 10-hair out as a petit écart, but.. I will :)

Pas fière de moi

2005-08-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

If I had to draw a graph of my frequency of blogging, I'm sad to note that it'd look like an exponential decay. Indeed, I started en trombe, and before I knew, I let go little by little, and the result is that it's been like 2 weeks since I've written here. Pire encore, the graph relating my blogging frequency to my hair-pulling-out would be directly proportional :'( I'm feeling all "maths" today, I woke up at 7am (yes, on a Saturday) and I had this urge to come write down here.

We'll go back to where we left. If I correctly recall, last time I wrote, I was to start my 4th-week therapy. I read it on the day I should have, and was determined to do every little exercise described. I think I read once, that someone was so fed up with having to find a good reason for a hair pulled out, that she preferred not to pull out. That made me smile, I was pretty much in the same situation. Meaning that I went from 1-hair-per-day to 0-hair for about 4-5 days in the 4th week. That's not bad.

However, I think I got carried away by my "then-success" and let down my guard.. I don't think there was another reason to that. I'm reaching the end of my internship, and nothing was going as I had planned. I wanted to do my rapport de stage during the last weeks, and while my other colleagues were actually doing that, I was suddenly appointed to a whole amount of unexpected task. I didn't even see the days pass, I was tired and in serious lack of sleep. One of the reasons (or rather excuses..*blush*) for not maintaining my blog..

Well finally I didn't reach the end of my 4th-week haut les mains. Things started worsening as from Sunday last, when I was at some people's place, and I didn't appreciate their comments (I'll not go into details, but it had nothing to do with my hair) and that irritated me.

Then, on Monday... I took out one, then another.. I had like 3 hair pulled out that day. Worse, on Tuesday, although I still had that huge amount of work to do, I took out like 10 hair. I confess that I even thought about the blog, the therapy and everything, but my mistake was perhaps not to go back to those first days and read why I wanted to stop.

I'm irritatingly sensitive, and I absolutely can't take comments from others lightly, and I go over them, again and again. Those things from the week end got me all worked-up and Tuesday it was then, when I had the biggest rechute for a month now. 10 hair is much for the point in the therapy that I had reached. I haven't forgived myself for it yet, and I know I disappointed my darl a lot.

So after Tuesday, I removed 2-3 hair/day and yesterday, Friday, I removed 2. It's not as catastrophic as one month back, but still.. I'll do like a very amazing girl, ex-ttm, told me, I'll not be too harsh on myself, not look for perfection, and focalise on positive moments, reward myself for them. A good gathering-up of myself is required :)

Dernière journée de la 3ème semaine

2005-07-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a loooong time, sorry bloggy :) But I've been doing fine, total number of hair pulled out since Thursday must amount to .. 4-5, not more :) Average of 1 per day, I can't complain, for someone who made herself a nice remarkable hole not so long ago.

Since the objective is to stop completely after the next week, I should look for the reason of those 4-5 hair.. which are 4-5 hair de trop. I think it's the habit, which I can't get over all at once of course. Because as far as vicious circle or depression or even liking to pull out hair are concerned, I really think I am getting over it :) This might be working after all ;)

Yesterday we did an assessment of the "holes state" with my darl. I looked at the previous photos which are a bit more than 1-month old. I don't want to look like that :s No photos were taken this time, but he tells me the head seems to be furnishing quite well.. Although of course I won't have equal-length hair for a bit. I'm lucky I have easily regenerating hair which grow quite fast too. I'm happy.

I'll finish this 3rd week well, and start with the 4th week programme tomorrow. And after that, no more hair pulling ! :)))

Le not-so-bright futur ..

2005-07-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

One hair is gone :( It's 10.30am and our maître de stage just went away after a 20-minutes long speech about the actual situation of employment in the Information Systems domain. How you get employed (if you do) in a boîte de société de services where you are treated like du bétail. It's quite frightening imagining your future. I know it was no excuse, but listening to him made me lift my fingers to my head, and before I knew, one hair was gone :(

OK it won't be a zero-hair-pulled-out day today, but I'll make it a 1-hair-pulled-out :)

Programme de la 3ème semaine ..

2005-07-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

The big change for this week, will be to fix the objective of not to pull out any hair

1. when I am on the phone, 2. when I am on the computer.

The phone part is a good example of systematic pulling-out. Whenever my phone rings, I stress to get it before if falls on the messagebox [meaning I'd probably have to call back and I don't like calling back because I never have much credit lol]. Maybe I have to let be, and say "If you really need me, you'll phone back."

Ha! No. 8. Change your life rituals. Today (but I confess, it was not part of doing-on-purpose for the sake of the therapy!) I let my flat DrMartens to put hiiigh-heeled girl shoes lol. I have a skirt for the first time in nearly 4 months' internship. There, you have something changed about me. This week I'll try to stay in the same spirit ;) I don't know but maybe the fact of being more "feminine" (the part of faire attention à soi - he thing I often put aside) could make me more conscious of my hair and not want to put it out of place. Actually, I have no wish to bring my fingers up there at all.

No. 11 .. I use both hands :s So that's not something that could help. But hey, since I won't be pulling anyways ;)

No. 12. Ok, if I happen to remove a hair, I will throw it away without looking at it. But I won't.

There, I'll not let myself get tired or eat too much and feel full :D And.. I'll try to start some work or something because I don't like to be oisive like this and not consider that I'm doing something important or useful.

On s'amuse bien ..

2005-07-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to start my 3rd-week programme today, but because of some stuff I had to take care of, I didn't have the courage to write anything down. I started to read it though, and it's pleasant.

There you are NeSto.. thanks for your pic.. maybe it'll receive a prize too ;) Thanks.

Dédicace

2005-07-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

To an idle non-pulling-hair afternoon (and those friends at work) :)

Ca fait longtemps !

2005-07-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

Two week-end days have passed. I have to be careful, because although I'm constantly conscious about my therapy, the noting-down part, proving to be tedious (oh come on!), can just stop :/

Hehe, for the week end it's been cool, I practically didn't touch the hair, I washed it on Saturday and it was neat and in order. The thing that's a bit weird, is that I have discovered some holes I hadn't seen before [the start of the therapy] :o Maybe subconsciously I have been telling myself I ought to have my holes filled up now that I have a-bit-stopped for 2 weeks. Nevermind, I'll let them take the time they need.

Ahh, I did touch my hair yesterday. No pulling out but touching. When I was on the phone. Again. I wasn't nervous or anything, I guess just usual habit.

On the phone : !**warning**!

We're at the last day of the 2nd week programme. I'm thrilled to start the 3rd week one. Friday last it wasn't great, I pulled out a couple of hair for no apparent reason. This week I won't.

Bonne journée!

Hier, 14 juillet

2005-07-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

I had a very pleasant 14th July, it was public holiday and I made the most out of it. I only took out a little hair late at night when I was at a table with friends after the feux d'artifices and was having a nice time. It was just a little pulling-out and it came off.

Today I'm at work and it's not very motivating to work on a day no one's on the 4th floor except the stagiaires practically! Anyway, I've been doing some things on the PC, and been.. euh.. taking out a couple of hair :s 4 or 5 hair.. Sorry about that. My hair is feeling a bit cassant actually. Maybe it's because I've not put my usual lotion last time I washed my hair. I didn't feel the bulb coming out. I feel the bulb is very dry, even hard, the non-sticky ones. I'll retain myself in the afternoon. I've not been very serious today, I didn't even think of my objective.

It'll be not to remove any this afternoon :) Good luck.

Bientôt l'heurre de manger!

2005-07-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

Been having a nice morning :)

Nice morning = no hair-pulling entre-autre

I'm happy because I have been confronted to mixed feelings about next year's course, and that hasn't caused any hair-pulling pulsion. I started to play with the back of my hair at a certain point, but noticed that and quickly put my hands down. Sunny day, nice lunch en perspective...

Everything is good :)

Mercredi - 2ème semaine, jour 2

2005-07-13T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finally went to the swimming pool and had my hair washed and taken care of. Today they are fine, unfrizzed and curly.

I am not very proud of myself for yesterday. I actually took out two more hair when I was reading a letter sent by uni and I thought it was my acceptance letter for next year. It's quite stupid to be stressed about that since I'm pretty sure I'll be selected.

Anyway, it was just a letter about the time table for the internship presentation - soutenance de stage - and I don't know, since it was an important thing, I just had the reflex to put my fingers up there and a couple of seconds later, without any warning, I saw two hair between them :(

Must be on guard against that. So, we note down this :

Important-letter reading : !**warning**!

I'll be very careful today.

Presque l'heure de rentrer

2005-07-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

It's not been a very good day today. I removed 4 more hair this afternoon. I supposed there would be times like these when I'd badly want to do the picking thing again.

I was annoyed of having to do some crappy work I'd been given. And I've been quite moody today, at some point I'd be glad, at another point depressed.. But this doesn't excuse anything. Comme dit, they were my fingers up there, my muscles that provoked the hair-grabbing and eventually the hair-pulling action.

I can swear I retained myself from an urge to pull more than once today. Had I not done that, it'd not have been 8, but more like 80 hair that'd have gone away. I don't know if it's normal, but when I retained myself like that, I had a weird feeling for some microseconds, like a short pain in my head. Maybe a big-time inhaling could help with fighting that. It's even part of the 2nd week programme :)

Thought of the day : Go home, eat something, and rest !

11.30am

2005-07-12T02:31:00.000-07:00

I have removed 4 hair :(

It's bound to happen I suppose. It was by accident at first, then it felt good and I felt like taking out another one. Hope this afternoon it'll be better..

2ème semaine.. déjà !

2005-07-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, 1 whole week has passed since I started the therapy. I just read the introduction to the 2nd week programme... It made me smile :) I am definitely not going (this time) to be faced with self-pity.

Finally yesterday I did not remove any hair, but had to make an effort, because I touched my head quite often. Good girl.

Hair tied, nice morning. I'm writing at the same time I'm reading, and the funny thing about changing my hair-related habits (number 3) is that only this morning, my electric hair comber short-circuited in my hand while I was combing my hair! Well there's something's that's already changed.

I really like the 2nd week programme. I don't use anything to hide my holes so that's not going to change. I just touched the top of my head, there are really small hair up there. I don't feel like pulling any hair out at all. Being conscious and wanting to make the effort is what is actually helping I feel. I love this.

Maybe I should work a little now ;) Be back later!

Objective: Not pull out any hair at work. Do the exercices described.

Je touche mes cheveux :-/

2005-07-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

Argh, it's 2.54pm. I have been touching my hair - rather scalp - for the last 5 minutes. That's not good. I don't like how it feels touching my head. Normally I would have started pulling my hair out. Instead I came to write here. There's nothing bad going on, I'm just a bit restless. I feel that I'm not doing what I should, I'm just not very productive at work. Ok it's an internship, but still.

I feel I have disordered hair now, argh. Not good, not good. I'm trying not to lift my fingers up there again.

Lundi - Jour 7

2005-07-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

We are at the end of the 1st week of therapy. And the bilan is quite good I must say :)

Today I have not tied my hair, they have been washed two days ago and have been well-combed this morning. It's been 1h50minutes since I am at my desk at work and have not had any wish to touch my hair.

I won't take out any hair during work today. Even if I get stressed or am on the phone. There, we'll see how it goes!

Dimanche - Jour 6

2005-07-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

We have almost reached the end of our first week of personal therapy. I am thrilled. It's been very long since I've taken out 2 hair in two days I think :

Well the first week is not over yet and I have to fix and objective for today. Could I just say My objective for today is not to remove any single hair ? I think I will. I am by myself right now, on the computer, and I've kept myself busy typing, etc.

There, happy Sunday -[:)

Fin du samedi

2005-07-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

We are approaching the end of Saturday evening. I had a quite busy day today. Well as planned, I had my hair washed, taken good care of, and had great bouncing hair I did not want to do any harm to. And I didn't :) And my objective for today has been attained I must say, because I have not pulled out any hair when I was all alone. (I wasn't alone for a long time either, I must say!)

But.. I did remove one hair unconsciously. And really 1 single hair. And it was a superficial one too. It was during a family dinner. Ah, something worth noting. At dinner there was a conversation about stopping to smoke. The thing is that I, even though I have never smoked a cigarette, could perfectly understand the arguments for wanting to smoke by one smoker. Even though the person knew it was bad, etc. It made me feel weird, like indeed, the hair-pulling habit could in fact be considered as a drug at some point. The smoker felt like an intense pleasure when smoking, although she was aware of bad sides. She was also aware she would hurt her fiancé's feelings and she cares a lot about him.

But.. she could not stop herself from doing it. She knows she lacks the courage. And that one day she'll be able to do it. But now is not the time. Now is mine though... And I'll seize it :)

Good night.

Samedi - Jour 5

2005-07-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm happy that yesterday I removed only one hair :) Although when I went home late at night I started playing with them, but quickly stopped when I realised. This week end it's going to be a test too. I'll be by myself late at night for quite some time. In front of PC probably.

It's 9.00am, I just woke up after an animated night where I did not stop turning in bed and I feel my hair is very badly combed. I started touching them to see how bad was the coiffure. There's hard and coarse hair and at some places I can feel the scalp :( One positive thing though, I somehow know this time that pulling even one hair out is going to make things really worse. So I 've come to jot down a little word here before going to take a shower and wash my hair. Take some time with it, put the lotions, blow dry and unfrizz.

Our objective for today is - and I'm going to be harsh - not to pull out any when I am by myself. There we are, have a good day :)

Ps: Don't know if my early-morning non-pulling-out would be influenced by this, but I had a nice evening yesterday and I'm happy about the week end. I am also relieved that at work my chief came to tell me more precisely yesterday what he expected of me, and he didn't find it weird that I hadn't understood in the first place. At least he didn't seem to find it weird ;)

15.30 - un cheveu :(

2005-07-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to keep my contract! :'(
I have pulled out one hair just when my chief entered my office and I got panicked. I was just a bit stressed out, and I started touching my head and.. one hair out. Arf. Well what I am happy about is that I did not go on pulling them out :) I retained myself.

Time to go home!

And the day goes by..

2005-07-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

I've had a relatively uneventful and calm day today. I am not particularly worried about anything. Yesterday I phoned home and everyone's doing fine, I'm not doing quite-that-fine at work but it doesn't matter much ;)

And I'm proud to say that I haven't pulled out any hair till now for today :) Maybe it's good having the hair tied when I am in a hair-pullable situation. I haven't washed my hair for quite a few days now and I'm keeping myself from touching them as I'd feel them all coarse and hard and would want to pull them out maybe. I can feel my head scratching right now! Help! Hehe, I'm going to let it pass by itself.

There, good job today :)

Vendredi - Jour 4

2005-07-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

There we are, it's 10.28am and I haven't even touched my hair since this morning :) My objective for today is not to even lift my fingers to my hair the whole time during which I'm at work. It has been working for now, but I must say I had no urge to do that either, so I don't really feel I'm makin any effort. I have bound my hair today.

I can feel that the hind of my hair is not good, there's not enough hair to make it into a suitable haircut. It makes me sad, but the thought that I'd be helping myself to obtain this in some time fills me with a feeling of satisfaction.

I'll post if there's any changes during the day :)

Jeudi - Jour 3

2005-07-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I removed 2 hair.. cool huh? :) And they weren't even the coarse hair I'd enjoy to remove. It was just a casual removal, with no feeling of "rage" when removing. They happened during the day, when I was passively thinking about don't-know-what. There, I was very happy at the end of the day, seeing my hair all in place and with a good feeling of satisfaction and happiness.

Today I removed about 5. I'm not very proud of that, but I am not traumatising over it either. It happened at work too. The first ones were during passive thinking, like yesterday, with no feeling of guilt as I knew it wasn't "as-usual" big-time pulling out. The other ones though, were more thourough hair removal and it happened after my chief came to give me a piece of work I understood nothing about and got all stressed out because.

Come back later!

Cercle vicieux ?

2005-07-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Once one hair is taken out, sometimes the discovery of the result leads into a vicious circle. Thing is that once the feeling of guilt is present, you have the impression that one hair or two, it's the same anyway, I have removed, when I was supposed not to. Stupid eh? One or two, not the same. One is un de trop, two is un de plus de trop. And at least if I stopped after two.. but no. After two it's three.. then four, five,.. fifty. In not more than 5 minutes.. it's astonishing how much damage you have done. The result can be seen on the floor.. and on your head.

Immediately afterwards you go in front of the mirror, try out all sorts of haircut to see how you can cover the holes. The only thing that can recomfort you, when it does, is that you still have a couple of hair at that place and hopefully the people who chide me for removing my hair won't notice. You don't have any choice but to tell yourself these things if you don't want to get into a major depression.. which I have, but this was in the beginning, when I was a heavy hair-remover.

It is a vicious circle, when you let it.

Pourquoi j'arrache ?

2005-07-06T01:57:00.000-07:00

Feel the think hair, isolate it, play with it. This makes it weak. Then when the right moment is felt, the fact of pulling it out provides me with an acute feeling of bien-être at the moment of pulling out. I take the hair, feel it more between thumb and middle finger. Maybe I have a feeling of having been victorious over the poor hair, though I know I've destructed something which is not my ennemy.

I sometimes bring the bulb to my mouth and feel its cool temperature against my lip. It sticks. I like seeing that. Experimentation? I have tried placing the bulb on different objects to see what it does. In the beginning I liked to place the bulb on white paper, and crush it on that. A black colour trail would be printed on the paper. It would be like "Oh my God, that's not good." But I'd do the same thing another dozen times.

Pourquoi je veux arrêter ?

2005-07-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

There's no order of preference. Just numbered to count.

1. I want to have a nice and decent haircut, which I can change at ease whenever I want. Those looong mèches, covering my eyes from time to time.
1.1 In the short run, have haircuttable hair for September.
2. To stop making people I care about unhappy, sad, depressed.
3. To stop feeling guilty making those people feel like that.
3.1 To stop lying to them.
4. To stop that feeling in my stomach/heart everytime I look in a back-mirror and find out there's a pale scalp-colour instead of black-hair colour.
5. To stop finding dozens of hair on the floor when I thought I had only removed only two or three.
6. To be free from having to do that and be able to concentrate on the thing I am doing rather than passively picking my hair.
7. To put an end to those conflicts with my surroundings who tell me they can't trust me.
7.1 To stop remarks from further surroundings who care much less than those but who irritate me.
8. To show to everyone and to myself that I am capable of courage, be strong.
9. To have a more solid personality. People not suffering from calvitie and with no hair DO have a problem.
10. Run my fingers in my hair and feel long hair, not little bits of growing hair or.. hard scalp.
11. Not have my hairless head be photographed and be shocked, even though I knew it would be horrible.
12. To be able to relate myself to the girls on TV having no hair and tell myself: I was like that! I've done what it took to be on the other side which is so infinitely bright.
13. To make the one I love happy.

That's it for now I guess. I'll think of more reasons :)
Nice afternoon, dear hair.

Dans 5 semaines j'arrête pour de bon

2005-07-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

There, our objective is not to take out a single hair after 5 weeks. I'm to plan something good to do on that day.. let's think. Given I have attained my goal of course, but I will :) Which day it's going to be? 9th August. Tuesday. Pizzeria (the little nice pizzeria) followed by cinema, best film playing. I'll invite :) Cool.

Future ex-tricotillomaniac : an agreement ?

2005-07-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yep, there's an agreement. As from today, this minute, I decide to fully devote myself to be determined to stop pulling out my hair. The few I have left, that is. The mere fact that I'd be determined would be a feat, because wanting it I always have, but only little this has changed.

I've done this since age 17 or so and I'm 24. The dust bin by my study bureau has sometimes been 3/4 full of those frizzy hair which would, when compressed, take not more than a little (ping-pong) ball, I reassure. I don't know if people are actually going to read this, but if it can do any good, be it satisfying curiosity, I don't mind, but the one and only objective (I am no forum-person and definitely no blogger-person) is for my own self, keeping a record of my real wish this time to stop that habit. (Then get yourself a personal diary, miss..) Anyway.. here we are. Let's blog away dear hair, ultimate partner :)